5 Books for Hopeless Romantics #5 – Clumsy: A Novel (Jeffrey Brown)

Not from Clumsy, but it fits.

If you’re a man and you’re under 40 (or maybe not) then it’s likely that Jeffrey Brown feels your pain. If you don’t know who Jeffrey Brown is, then at some point you’re going to want to run out and buy the graphic novel Clumsy followed by Unlikely and aeiou (amongst others). It might just make you feel a whole lot better about yourself, because Jeff is finding it just as difficult as you are.

The world today isn’t really a very forgiving place. Most of us are trying to project an image that convinces everyone else that we know exactly what we’re doing. Like a plaid shirted mountain man, you confidently march ever forward never looking back. That sort of thing. I don’t know who these guys are, but I only ever see them in magazines. They tend not to wear socks, they have, what I’ve heard is called, a ‘mankle’. They often have tatoo sleeves and their beard is so much cooler than yours. Why did you even bother to leave the house?

Jeff isn’t like that though. Jeff is like you and me. Things happen to him, not because he has willed them to be that way, but simply because it happens that way. There’s no sweeping Gone With the Wind moments and everything is, ‘do you mind if I?’ or ‘is it ok if…?’.  But isn’t that so much better than 50 shades of anything?

It’s great that writers of books, films and whatever else want to create that amazingly smooth and scripted fantasy worlds that we all should live in, but really, who can live with the insecurity? Most men aren’t Don Draper or Christian Grey. Most men are Jeff Brown.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the latest edition of Esquire or Monocle, pick up Clumsy, or any Jeffrey Brown novel, and remind yourself that we’re actually all pretty awkward and just trying to get by in a slightly judgmental world. Just don’t read it right after getting dumped.

And, make sure you get it at your local bookshop, that keeps people in jobs!

33, Single and waiting …

What am I waiting for? Obvious question. News that Caitlin Moran is getting a divorce! Obvious answer!

Not that I’m willing it to happen. Her husband sounds like a pretty awesome guy and that would make me feel exceptionally guilty. I’m just keeping my ear to the ground in case it happens, because if it does, I want to be ready. Because frankly, I think there’s no more perfect woman.

Men, the sort of men that read The Sun and think that manipulation is a valid dating technique, have this bizarre idea that intelligence and attractiveness are mutually exclusive in women. Those men used to be a bit of a joke, but it doesn’t really seem to be something that we can just ignore anymore. Surely it sickens any man to his core to see or hear another man use the word ‘rape’ as a threat. It’s so horrible, so horrific, how heart-broken any boy would be if it happened to his mother, but still it gets thrown about like it’s nothing.

What’s going on? For some reason it seems that the knuckle draggers have realised that their days are numbered and have started a mass attempt to reassert themselves over society and the methods they are willing to use are far beyond anything the good guys have. It’s crazy.

Sure, I don’t think we need to have a uniform society and don’t think any woman should be forced into being a strong feminist who applies her makeup with her fingers, but I don’t see why any man at all should find such a person unattractive. Real women are amazing, they are beautiful. There’s short hair, long hair, skinny or curves, light skin, dark skin and with every duo there’s somewhere in between. No two women look or think completely alike and as a group they think completely differently from men. We should be hanging on their every word, fascinated by the way they see things differently. For that my friends, is being a gentleman. That’s what we should all be. Just like Caitlin Moran’s husband.

I’m not going to sit here and list all the great things about her, that would be a little weird. But, I do know one thing that I like about her, is that she doesn’t let the wankers get away with their nonsense and that’s important.

Men we’re veering off and it’s important that the good guys bring us back on top. Belittling others is not impressive, it’s pathetic and when you do it online the whole world sees how pathetic you are, it reflects badly on the rest of us. Including me and as you know, I need to be on my best behaviour, because I’m 33, single and waiting for news that Caitlin Moran is too.

Does anyone know if she likes beards?

33, Single and acting like a school boy.

So, the other day I did something a bit weird. I was buying an item I didn’t need in my local chain bookshop. I’d paid my money, thanked and bid farewell to the bookseller. Suddenly, in the moment before I walk away, I make eye contact, with the bookseller, the girl bookseller.

And? (That’s me doing your bit in case you’re not there.) So what?

To fill you in, I may have been visiting this particular bookshop with such alarming frequency that they’re beginning to suspect I’m living in the walls. I’m spending so much money there that it may as well be rent. I’m bankrupting myself, I have a mountain of reading that will last into the next century and I’m vaguely malnourished because I’m spending most of my lunch hours in a bookshop, instead of eating lunch.

But why? (That’s you again.)

Well, isn’t it obvious. I’ve got a crush! I know I know, I’m not 13, but it’s not on purpose. I’m buying books, well, because I like talking to her. And then there’s something else. That vague hope that maybe, one day, I’ll grow a pair and actually ask her out. We’re adults, it shouldn’t really be that difficult, should it? I mean it’s all come out of nowhere, I’d seen her so many times before, it’s not my first time in the shop. I suppose when you’re in a relationship you don’t really stop and chat that much, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and the effect has been cumulative.

See, another point here, books are hot and people who sell books are hot! Listening to someone talk about books immediately makes them 87.6% more attractive, look it up. Frankly a good bit of book chat sets me weak at the knees, and this girl has good book chat, amazing book chat. But, that book chat comes to an end and, I don’t know, but I feel like something’s being left unsaid. Then, that other day, in that moment of eye contact, I got the impression that she thought I might just say something, and I paused for a moment, but I didn’t say anything.

In the Old West they’d call me yella’. But as George Costanza once said, just like those Karate guys before they break the bricks, you gotta be in the zone. I just wasn’t in the zone.

Maybe next time.

Yeah, right!

33, Single and well on the way to owning my first tea set.

A week ago I was 33. Not that it particularly bothered me. Well it didn’t, until I really started thinking about it. There I was standing in John Lewis looking at teapots with my Mum, when it occurred to me that I might be missing something in life, or perhaps I missed out on something.

Last year I read an article about ‘William and Kate’ being 32. If you’re any good at maths you’ll have realised, I was also 32. Apparently, this was the age that the ‘bins start to go out more than you’. Hilarious! I relayed the quote to friends also in their early 30s and we all laughed. Oh, how we laughed.

It only dawned on me later that my laughter was kind of, well, tragic. At 33 many of my friends are married and well on the way to having children. At the very least everyone seems to be engaged. Friday nights are a relaxing time with the better half, or maybe some frantic family time at the end of a long week. See that’s fine, why go out when you can have all that comfort at home and company to boot? Spending your Friday night in when you’re 33 and single, well it’s not really done is it? Especially if it’s spent devouring a multi-pack of Toffee Crips when you should be at a gallery opening or a 90s revival cheese and wine party.

I reckon I’ve missed my chance, and I’m probably not the only one. I just never got round to bending that knee. I was too busy having an early midlife crisis. I didn’t want to settle down, I wanted to see the world. I used to justify my life through it’s freedom, but eventually you begin to resent that sort of freedom. Sometimes I get very jealous of the mundane routine of family life. I’m not bitter though, not at all.

It’s a waiting game now. With the vast majority of our generation paired off the rest of us are left furtively checking for wedding rings while counting down to the oh-so-inevitable divorces. That could still be years away though and surely it’s worth making some effort in the mean time.

This is where the difficulty comes in. I had my first serious girlfriend at 19 and from then until 32 I’ve pretty much gone from one relationship to another without really thinking about it, it always just sort of happened. My last girlfriend was the one to ask me out, but I get the feeling now that the only women approaching me will have clipboards. In those early years of adult life you constantly meet new people, relationships are bound to happen. You want that to end in your 30s, and it’s a bit tragic if it doesn’t. It’s a time when you’d rather meet someone based on shared interests rather than strong pheromones and poor decision-making. Sadly, your 30s seems to be a bit of a ‘meeting new people’ wilderness.

That’s ok though, because there’s an adult dating scene. I know, I’ve seen it on telly. People ask people out, don’t they? They have dinner and chat? At least I think they do, yet I never seem to see it happen in daily life. Perhaps that’s because these Hollywood romances don’t often work alongside crippling British shyness. Surely you’ve heard the one about the 3 British castaways who on being rescued have never spoken having never been formally introduced! I suppose that might be where internet dating comes in. It’s all a bit daunting!

I’m 33, single and totally confused about how I go from pulling pigtails to dinner at eight but, on the plus side, I did find a teapot I liked.